David Budge, July 4, 2010

When we editors at TruthNews take breaks from writing weighty, well-researched political commentary, we want to do something fun, like grilling tasty morsels of food to gorge ourselves on before watching fireworks. So here are the quick and sooty basics of how to grill.

BUT FIRST SOME HISTORY

"But wait!" you say, gripping your spatula so hard that it flies out of your burger grease-soaked hand, nearly impaling the neighbor’s cat. "You said this was going to be quick, and I have some forty-seven friends relatives, in-laws, co-workers, freeloaders, and hangers-on descending on my yard, and I still don’t know how to barbecue!"

To which I say: SILENCE, CRETINOUS FOOL! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO SPEAK ONLY IN CLICHES? And make amateur mistakes like confusing grilling with barbequing?

"There's a difference?"

Why yes, yes there is. Barbecuing has its origins in native American meat preservation practices, and involves cooking meat slowly with indirect heat or hot smoke, ideally over several hours....

"NO! I don’t have that sort of time! Before long, my degenerate son-in-law will be completely smashed, and the neighbors will have stolen all my nice deck chairs in retribution for their cat!"

Well then, grilling is the method for you. High direct heat for short periods of time. The practice of backyard grilling is much more recent than barbecuing, having its origins in the late 1940s with the invention of the Weber-Stephen grill. You see in the late 1940s thousands of re....

"Dear Lord! They just got into my stock of home-brewed ale! They’ll be rioting soon if I don’t get them food! Hurry!"

OKAY, THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. THIS IS MY COLUMN, NOT YOURS. DO YOU WANT MY HELP OR NOT?

"No! Please don’t leave! I’m sorry, I’ll be quiet from now on, I promise!"

GOOD, NOW CAN IT. In the late 1940s, most grilling was done in campgrounds and picnic sites in square, flat, open brazier metal grills with....

"What’s a brazier?"

IT’S NOT IMPORTANT. George Stephen disliked open metal grills, as they produced too much smoke and heated the food unevenly. When he later inherited the Weber Brothers Metal Spinning Company, which produced metal harbor buoys, Stephen devised a new form of grill by cutting a spherical buoy in half, installing vents and legs on the bottom half, and using the top as a lid. This grill became the mainstay of North American grilling for the next sixty years.

AND NOW SOME CHEMISTRY

The main chemical reaction affecting grilling is the Maillard Reaction, a process that takes place between an amino acid and a reducing sugar and is a form of non-enzymatic browning.

"They have fireworks now! They’ll blow us all to atoms! FOOD! NOW!"

OKAY, FINE.

THE FOOD

But first...

GRILLING SAFTEY

1. Never use a gas grill. They are deathtraps.

"But I use a gas grill!"

2. If you do use a gas grill, get your affairs in order. May I suggest one of those snappy video wills?

"Hey!"

3. Keep pets and children away from the grill. If you had followed this step, maybe the neighbor’s cat wouldn’t be an ambulant ball of flame.

"Oh $#@+! NANCY! GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"

4. Just Kidding!

5. Do not talk about Fight Club

"Shouldn’t that be rule number one?"

6. Shouldn’t you be dealing with the flaming cat?

"But... you said that was a joke!"

7. Psyche!

8. Never Grill inside. This is the leading cause of carbon monoxide poisoning in first world countries.

"Really?"

9. No, not really. But you still shouldn’t grill inside.

10. Do not move the grill after it’s lit. It looks like your idiot relatives broke this one already. You know, seeing as how it’s now floating in the pool.

"NOOOOOOO! Independence Day is ruined! What should I do?!

11. First, Don’t Panic. Now you’ll need to design a computer virus and upload it to the mother ship’s mainframe. That should lower their shields. Then just ram fighter jets into their ships until all the aliens are dead.

"Okay, now that’s just low-hanging fruit."

12. Yes, but it’s ripe and juicy low-hanging fruit.

"Why are you still numbering these, seeing as how you AREN’T GIVING ANY USEFUL INFORMATION!"

OKAY, OKAY, WE’RE ALMOST THERE. WE JUST NEED TO COVER...

SUN PROTECTION

"Oh, for crying out loud!"

HEY! THIS IS IMPORTANT! DO YOU WANT TO GET A MELONOMA?

"Well, I guess not...."

GOOD. NOW LISTEN UP.

1. Use sunscreen. This is important.

2. Use sunglasses

3. Uhh... Heimlich Maneuver?

"Okay, that’s it! You’re just stalling! I bet you don’t know anything at all about grilling, do you?"

LIES! DAMNED LIES AND HALF TRUTHS!  I TOTALLY KNOW LOADS OF STUFF ABOUT GRILLING!

"Oh yeah?! Prove it!"

OKAY, I WILL!

THE FOOD (FOR REAL THIS TIME)

To start, take one-half pound of ground beef and...

HMM. THAT’S INTERESTING.

"What?"

WE JUST HIT 800 WORDS. THAT’S COLUMN LENGTH. TO THE PRESSES!

"But you still haven’t told me anything!"

I’M SORRY, I CANT HEAR YOU. I’M, UHH... GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL. THE RECEPTION IS KIND OF BAD.

"But..."

GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM
YOUR CIRCUIT'S DEAD, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG...

"You cheat! Get back here and teach me how to grill!"

CAN YOU HEAR ME, MAJOR TOM?
CAN YOU HEAR ME, MAJOR TOM?
CAN YOU HEAR ME, MAJOR TOM?